I tried out a pair of shoes that I used to wear a lot several years ago and it was so strange how I had to place my body to fit in the shoes. I couldn’t stand the way I do today, my back had to shrink forwards and I felt how I tried to raise the defence that I used to carry around.
At this time I needed this defence of different reasons, no need to write that down as it is only sad memories. I could compare myself with a crayfish with that strong shell on my back hindering any emotional or physical punches to hit the inner me.
Since I started to practice yoga I have had to rebuild all the muscles in my back. Slowly but surely. Teardown all the defence and build a new strong healthy back. This stuff isn’t done over night. It took years to build the defence and it will take years to restore it.
In yoga backbending has always been an issue for me, “Look at the wall behind you”, “Look at the floor behind you”, “See your toes” – Yeah, sure thing, in another lifetime. I remember the day when I drank out of a bottle and to empty it I just bended my neck instead of leaning backwards and bending from the hips. I was so happy that day and it was a milestone that my back and neck has started to open up and that the old muscles have been replaces with new ones.
Lately I have been working a lot with Salabhasana. You know how it is when you suddenly hear a new part of the dialoghue and are able to interpret it in a new way and then things start to happen. I was able to move my chin more forward and actually be able to see more in front of me instead of that kind of boring area just in front of my mat. Being in the front row I hadn’t even been able to se above the baseboard and looking into the mirror was a joke. Now, lifting one leg at a time. What a nightmare! Camel – throw yourself in the wall – the emotinal stuff and nausea comming out of after lifting one leg at a time was horendous. So for a while I have been balancing on that fine line of going deeper (more chin foward, lifting one leg higher) and how much emotional stuff and nausea I could take.
Hard labour payes off. Camel is once again back in the first place of being the backbend that is the most emotional. Yesterday it was so clear that it was yet another part of the defence that is not needed anymore is letting go.
Farewall, goodby and adieu defence, I thank you for the time that you have served me well, but you are no more needed in my life.
Next step is to rebuild some new strength so that I can properly lift the two legs together again and throw away those old shoes. But that is another story.